MISSOURI PROPOSES THC CAP TO PROTECT SUBURBAN PARENTS FROM THEMSELVES

State regulators unveil bold new strategy to make legal weed just shitty enough to lose to the plug again. Welcome to “safety.”

FOR IMMEDIATE DISTRIBUTION BY THE MISSOURI DEPARTMENT OF SHUT THE FUCK UP AND TAKE YOUR 5MG

In a move hailed by exactly zero actual cannabis users and several retired boomers named Carl, Missouri regulators have proposed THC potency caps for legal weed products—finally giving licensed operators a chance to sell the exact same mids as Marcus behind the gas station, but with more paperwork.

The proposed limits would restrict:

• Edibles to 5mg per serving, unless you’re willing to beg your physician for another 5mg like it’s a fucking wart prescription

• Concentrates to “whatever number scares moms”

• Flower to “somewhere between ditch weed and nostalgia”
  

All under the banner of public health, according to people who treat weed like asbestos in a gummy form.

SCIENCE? NO. JUST FEELINGS.

Missouri’s push for THC caps wasn’t triggered by data, research, or any meaningful public health study. It was triggered by Dan Mehan—President and CEO of the Missouri Chamber of Commerce—who got spooked by the strength of legal weed and decided to write about it like he’d survived a war crime.

In his June 2024 op-ed, Mehan suggested that high-THC products are dangerous and that Missouri should “act now” to cap potencies—despite not working in public health, cannabis, pharmacology, or literally any relevant field outside of shaking hands with donors at a breakfast buffet.

“It’s not reefer madness to be concerned,” he wrote, right before proposing a full-scale regulatory regression based on vibes and maybe a flashback.

Instead of telling Dan to take a nap and drink some Pedialyte, Missouri regulators apparently read his op-ed and went straight to Microsoft Word to draft legislation.

INTRODUCING: THE “FUCK YOUR FREEDOM” LICENSING UPDATE

The new compliance structure, dubbed the THC Reduction Enforcement & Education Department (T.R.E.E.D.), will oversee:

• Mandatory Childproof Vault Certification—a $3,000 annual fee to prove your gummies aren’t shaped like fun

• THC Calibration Audits, during which a panel of geriatric strangers taste your product and guess how scary it feels

• Required packaging redesigns to include trigger warnings, chaste coloring, and a black-and-white photo of Nancy Reagan

• Dispensaries will also be required to install ‘Parental Sobriety Stations’ at the entrance, where shoppers can reflect on their poor life choices before purchasing anything stronger than chamomile.
  

Retailers who fail to meet these arbitrary emotional benchmarks will be fined, suspended, and possibly required to attend a two-hour “Cannabis Humility Seminar” taught by someone who got a contact high in 1997 and never recovered.

OPERATOR RESPONSE: “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?”

A Boof du Jour survey of real Missouri license holders returned the following responses:

• “So we’re doing D.A.R.E. again?”

• “Cool, we’ll just go back to putting 100mg in a chocolate square and suggesting it’s ten servings.”

• “If they lower potencies any further, we’re not selling weed—we’re selling ambience.”
  

One brand executive anonymously confessed,

“This is a gift to the black market. We’re about to become the world’s most expensive CBD store.”

Another operator was overheard at a compliance seminar whispering,

“They could’ve just come out and said ‘shut it down.’ This is torture with a QR code.”

Boof Index: Missouri THC Cap Impact

• Estimated black market growth if passed: +280%

• Number of parents demanding this law: 6

• Number of Missouri lawmakers who’ve tried an edible: 0 (but their nephew’s friend told them a story once)

LET’S BE REAL: THIS ISN’T ABOUT SAFETY

This isn’t science. This isn’t public health.This is Missouri trying to retroactively unfuck its own voter-approved cannabis program by smothering it in nanny-state panic and watching it die slow.

And the worst part?They’re doing it to save face—because the people in charge don’t smoke, don’t shop, and don’t understand the product they’re regulating.They’ve been outmaneuvered by weed since day one. Now they’re pulling the fire alarm out of embarrassment.

WHAT’S NEXT?

If passed, Missouri’s new THC rules will go into effect as early as Q4—though enforcement is expected to be sporadic, passive-aggressive, and mostly enforced on brands that didn’t donate to the right PAC.

Operators are advised to:

• Water down their products

• Ramp up marketing spin

• And start testing bath bombs, just in case this turns into a wellness pivot
  

In completely unrelated news, the state’s illicit market is expected to grow 280% year-over-year, led by guys with Venmo names like “@NotWeedDelivery420.”

FINAL NOTE FROM THE BUREAU:

Cannabis may be legal, but that doesn’t mean we like it.If you wanted a functional market, you should’ve voted for wine coolers.

Now take your 5mg and shut the fuck up.