Proper Cannabis Launches Valentine’s Delivery Service to Ensure Everyone Inserts Their Suppository the ‘Proper’ Way

Filed From the Frontlines of Rectal Wellness

I don’t know how the fuck I got here, but I’m kneeling on a velvet cushion in the middle of a candlelit living room while a budtender named Trevor tells me to “relax my pelvic floor” and “welcome the plant medicine inward.”

This isn’t Burning Man. This is Proper Placement™ — the Valentine’s Day campaign from cannabis brand Proper, where any customer who spends over $100 gets a house call from a barely-paid budtender who will personally insert your cannabis suppository with the precision of a Beverly Hills colonic technician and the emotional availability of a man who cries during fragrance ads.

According to Proper’s official press release (hand-delivered in a rose-scented envelope), this is about “restoring intimacy to the cannabis experience.” According to my body? This is about to be a one-star Yelp review and a very expensive therapy session.

Scene Report: Welcome to the Backdoor Revolution

The knock came at 6:42pm. I opened the door to a man in fingerless gloves and branded linen pants. “Hi, I’m Trevor. I’ll be handling your insertion tonight,” he said, as if that sentence didn’t just permanently alter my sense of self.

Behind him was a duffel bag full of latex gloves, sage bundles, lube packets, and a laminated checklist titled “The Five R’s of Rear-Based Relaxation.”

Before I could ask a single fucking question, Trevor lit a candle and told me to “set an intention.” I said, “to survive.” He nodded like that was spiritually valid.

The Procedure: A Vibe Crime in Four Acts

Here’s what you get with the Proper Placement™ Valentine’s package:

• A guided, step-by-step insertion ritual

• Lo-fi beats and dim lighting

• A brief back massage from someone who looks like they microdose for fun

• Whispered affirmations like “you are not alone in this journey inward”

  
  

Trevor applied a warming balm to my lower back and whispered, “Trust is lubrication.” At this point I disassociated so hard I briefly remembered my first birthday party.

Before the insertion, I was asked to choose between “delicate glide,” “assertive ease,” or “Pisces Rising.” I panicked and said “dealer’s choice.”

Customer Feedback: Raw, Unfiltered, Slightly Moist

I wasn’t the only one caught in this… vortex.

Dan from St. Louis said he ordered an eighth and wound up getting “emotionally raw-dogged by a guy in a kimono named Skyler.”“He asked if I wanted to ‘start slow or just get it over with.’ I said slow. He nodded and cued up Sade.”

Ashley from Temecula said her boyfriend surprised her with Proper Placement as a romantic gesture.“At first I was like, ew. But then the budtender told me I was brave and called my butthole ‘sacred terrain.’ I cried. I’m still crying.”

Jordan from Denver said the waiver form was three pages long and started with the phrase “A journey of one thousand miles begins with a single clench.”“He brought his own clipboard. Like a nurse. I mean, five stars, but also…I’m never the same again.”

The Company Line: Love Is a Lube-Tinged Journey

I reached out to Proper CEO Chadwick Kensington III, who delivered this actual quote through a rose quartz conference call:“Cannabis is about wellness. And what’s more well than knowing it’s been placed with confident, caring pressure?”

When asked about the legal implications, Kensington said,“We don’t see this as medical. We see it as metaphysical. Also, they technically sign a consent scroll, so we’re fine.”

Proper is now beta testing an “Intimate Consultation Upgrade” — for an extra $50, the budtender will maintain intense eye contact and hum while administering pressure. Kensington called it “human connection meets herbal rectitude.”

Final Puff

This isn’t customer service. This is a tantric hostage situation wearing a branded apron.

Proper’s Valentine’s campaign is part ritual, part lawsuit, and all fucking unhinged. In a world where weed is shoved in every orifice but taxed like it’s made of gold, this might be the first brand brave enough to say: “We care. Now bend over.”

Boof du Jour will remain on-site until someone hands me a safe word and a joint. God help us all.