TEXAS DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC MORALITY AND MEDIOCRE POLICY
- Boof du Jour
- Jun 30
- 3 min read
In a shocking twist that left both cannabis advocates and moral crusaders clutching their pearls, Texas Governor Greg Abbott has been officially recognized by the National Council for Accidental Weed Progress (NCAWP) for his heroic and unintentional defense of THC products.
Abbott, who previously referred to Delta-8 as “that devil's compound,” vetoed Senate Bill 3 last week—a bill designed to ban THC-infused products and presumably protect suburban moms from themselves. His veto letter cited technical drafting errors and fiscal concerns, but insiders report he actually thought SB3 was a proposal for a new highway expansion and only realized it dealt with weed after it hit his desk.
License Awarded: “The Lone Star Protectorate of Low Potency”
To commemorate this momentous fuck-up, Abbott has been awarded an honorary cannabis license—the Lone Star Protectorate of Low Potency—which grants him lifetime access to the weakest edibles in Texas, redeemable at any dispensary that survives the next legislative session.
“This award recognizes Governor Abbott’s tireless work in confusing the shit out of everyone, delaying THC bans by accident, and proving that sometimes, doing nothing is the best thing you can do for cannabis,” said an NCAWP spokesperson during a lavish ceremony held in the empty food court of an abandoned mall in Waco.
Highlights of the New “Regulatory Framework”
Following the veto, Texas regulators convened a Special Committee for the Preservation of Pointless Laws (SCPPL) to begin drafting fresh legislation that will:
Require all THC-containing products to be sold in brown paper bags labeled “Not Drugs”
Introduce a THC Awareness Fee of $420 per SKU, payable in small untraceable donations to the Texas Association of Church Bake Sales
Mandate that any THC product over 1mg must be blessed by a retired Little League coach
Launch the Texans for Toothless Gummies Initiative, ensuring no edibles contain more THC than a breath mint
“This veto wasn’t a defeat,” insisted one Senate aide while frantically revising a PowerPoint titled ‘THC: Still the Devil, Right?’. “It’s a chance to make sure we ban THC the right way—slowly, stupidly, and with maximum donor input.”
Legal Costs, Because Why Not
Estimates suggest that the legal review, re-drafting, and eventual re-failure of SB3 will cost Texas taxpayers $11.6 million. This includes:
$3.2 million on consultants who think THC means “Texas Home Cooking”
$5 million on legal opinions drafted by firms specializing in HOA disputes
$2 million for focus groups of confused retirees who think Delta-8 is a NASA project
$1.4 million for compliance training videos that no one will watch
Fake Social Equity Nod
In a desperate attempt to salvage PR points, legislators have proposed a new program called “Texans for THC Equity”, which will:
Reserve 0.001% of THC licenses for “historically under-baked communities”
Offer a $10 voucher for CBD lotion to anyone who attends a three-hour anti-THC seminar
Fund a billboard campaign reminding citizens that “Marijuana Is Still Bad, Y’all”
Closing Statement
The governor’s office declined to comment beyond stating:
“Governor Abbott remains committed to protecting Texans from substances that sound scary, look scary, or might someday be scary. We look forward to working with stakeholders to ban the correct thing next time.”
Meanwhile, Texans can enjoy another accidental grace period before the state inevitably drafts SB3.5: The Revenge of Pointless Cannabis Policy—a bill sure to be as effective as abstinence-only sex ed and as well-researched as a Facebook meme.
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