The Federal Cannabis Throuple Just Added a Fourth — and It’s Trump

Boof du Jour Investment Desk | August 13, 2025

Rating: DO NOT BUY THE HYPE

Executive Summary

Federal cannabis reform has officially entered its swinger era.

After decades of toxic cohabitation between the USDA, DEA, and HHS, this week’s announcement marks a new milestone: Donald Trump is now the loudest voice in the room, and suddenly everyone’s acting like that means something.

Spoiler: it doesn’t.

Despite headlines, nothing has changed. Not for operators. Not for investors. Not for people still getting arrested for a plant the USDA just called “medicinal.” What has changed is the theater — a mess of policy foreplay, contradiction kinks, and delusional economic modeling no one can prove or explain.

Welcome to the polyamorous denial spiral. Population: four. Function: zero.

TRUMP ENTERS THE ROOM

In his first public cannabis comments of the cycle, Trump said rescheduling is “something to think about,” then immediately tied it to border security and violent crime — which is like saying you support school lunches, as long as the cafeteria arrests everyone with a peanut allergy.

The MAGA crowd cheered anyway.

Within 48 hours:

• Axios called Trump “to the left of Biden” on weed.

• PBS quoted lawyers calling this “a real opening.”

• Marijuana Moment posted five articles before breakfast.
  

Never mind that Trump appointed Jeff “Weed is Slavery” Sessions last time around. Or that his party still blocks every safe banking bill. Or that his donor base includes the same executives who lay off workers while expanding into Florida.

But hey — he mentioned weed. In 2025, that’s basically a signing ceremony.

AGENCY PORTFOLIO PERFORMANCE

Let’s check in with the rest of the portfolio:

USDA – “The Soft Launch Stoner”

• Quietly added cannabis to its PLANTS database as a medicinal herb.

• Did not issue a press release, regulation, or policy framework.

• Functionally said: “It heals. But we’ll still need you to fill out a form in triplicate.”
  

HHS – “The Passive-Aggressive Ex”

• Officially recommended Schedule III back in 2023.

• Still hasn’t implemented anything, because they’re stuck waiting on the DEA like a teenager hoping their prom date answers the phone.
  

DEA – “The Leather Daddy of Denial”

• Hasn’t said shit.

• Still enforces Schedule I status: “no accepted medical use” despite NIH-funded cannabis research.

• Their only comment was an email that read “new phone, who dis?”
  

TRUMP – “The Rich Kid Who Just Discovered Weed”

• Took credit for a policy Biden tried to implement.

• Claimed cannabis causes “some problems, some good.”

• Hinted that maybe, possibly, something could happen… if re-elected… and if crime drops… and if the Pope calls.
  

FINANCIAL FORECAST: BULLSHIT IN EVERY DIRECTION

Analysts predict:

• Lobbyist retainers will skyrocket by Q4.

• Cannabis ETFs will surge on vibes, then tank on reality.

• Corporate weed execs will use this moment to fundraise, lay off 12% of staff, and throw a DEI summit in Florida.
  

One hedge fund noted this week:

“We see Trump’s cannabis comments as a liquidity event — specifically, a chance to liquidate common sense and pump stock prices for 36 hours before dumping shares on retail investors who still think Congress does things.”

QUOTE BOARD: C-SUITE ENERGY EDITION

“We’re proud to support bipartisan rescheduling initiatives, especially now that we donated to both sides.”— CFO, publicly traded MSO who owes back rent in 4 states

“This is a historic opportunity for American cannabis — and by that we mean to raise our valuation while doing fuck all.”— SVP, Investor Relations, in a pitch deck with 9 trademarked strain names and no product photos

“If Schedule III passes, we will pass the savings on to shareholders. Not customers. Not staff. Just shareholders.”— Board Chair, during a $3,000 dinner at MJBiz

BOOF INDEX: FEDERAL AGENCY SCORECARD

Metric	Score
Inter-agency Coordination	❌ Group Chat Muted
Scheduling Clarity	❌ Like, Schedule 3 or 4... drinks?
Trump Policy Roadmap	❌ Drawn in crayon
Operator Certainty	❌ Still getting raided
Lobbyist ROI	✅ Record-breaking
Public Health Strategy	❌ TBD after the election
Cannabis Arrests	✅ Ongoing
Boof Risk Rating	💀 "Extremely Federal"

STRATEGIC TAKEAWAY

The feds agree cannabis is medicine.They just haven’t decided if they’ll arrest you for taking your prescription, donate to your opponent, or license your competitor in the meantime.

This is not policy.This is not reform. This is regulatory kink play with election-year lube and no safe word.

One agency says "yes."Another says "maybe."Trump says "we'll see."And the DEA still thinks weed turns you into a communist unless you sell it through CVS.

FINAL WORD FROM OUR DESK

It’s not a pivot.It’s not reform.It’s a financial trap, a voter bait move, and a lobbyist meal ticket dressed up like an investment opportunity.

And yes — the weed is still in the fucking closet.