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For every quietly rigged application, politically convenient approval, and “social equity” shell game. If it smells like strategy, it probably is.
LICENSE FUCKERY
Massachusetts CCC Welcomes Back, Then Immediately Benches, Its Chair
After a court ruled her firing unlawful, Shannon O’Brien was reinstated as CCC Chair — only to be suspended again on appeal. Massachusetts cannabis regulation has officially turned into compliance theater with billion-dollar stakes.
2 min read
Massachusetts Wants to Cancel Weed: $1.6 Billion on the Ballot
Massachusetts just certified a ballot petition to nuke its $1.6B adult-use cannabis industry. If it makes the ballot, every dispensary, cultivator, and brand in the state could be gone overnight. Welcome to the dumbest economic experiment since prohibition.
3 min read
NY’s Proximity Correction Update Now Live: Press F to Relocate
New York’s cannabis regulators admitted they’ve been measuring the school buffer wrong for three years — now 152 operators face shutdowns, a $15M fund skips existing stores, and compliance has devolved into spreadsheets, lawsuits, and Form 6399-FU.
3 min read
Ohio Marijuana Card Leaks Patient Data: A $200 Gatekeeper With a Dropbox Addiction
Ohio Marijuana Card, a $200-a-visit medical card mill, left sensitive patient records exposed online. Our exposé uncovers Dropbox idiocy, leadership failures, and regulatory silence — a perfect case study in cannabis compliance theater and corporate weed rot.
2 min read
DRY‑LABGED & PROBATIONED: ASSURED TESTING’S REINSTATEMENT ISN’T REFORM — IT’S A RIGGED COMEBACK
Assured Testing Labs buried 7,000+ contaminated samples, got caught, paid $300K, and now they’re back — with biweekly check-ins and a PR audit team. Trust the system? Hell no. This isn’t oversight. It’s regulatory damage control.
2 min read
NEW YORK’S SOCIAL EQUITY LICENSES JUST GOT DEPORTED
A federal court just ruled New York’s “social equity” weed licenses unconstitutional. Turns out, excluding 49 states isn’t reform — it’s just illegal.
3 min read
The Federal Cannabis Throuple Just Added a Fourth — and It’s Trump
Trump mentioned weed. The agencies are still broken. And now the federal cannabis strategy is a four-way clusterfuck with no safe word. Rescheduling is the headline — but the chaos behind it is where the real story lives.
3 min read
NEBRASKA AWARDS FIRST WEED LICENSE BY ACCIDENT — TRIBE LEGALIZES ITSELF
The Omaha Tribe legalized cannabis before Nebraska even picked a lane. They wrote the law, built the system, and started issuing licenses—proving that tribal sovereignty is faster than state bullshit.
3 min read
Lexachrom is Dead. The Weed is Still Poison. The State is Still Asleep.
Lexachrom, a New York cannabis testing lab, bailed mid-recall after clearing toxic flower for shelves. No answers, no arrests. Our field correspondent digs into the empty lab, vanished CEO, and broken regulatory state that let it all happen.
3 min read
MAY THE ODDS BE EVER IN YOUR ZIP CODE: New York’s Proximity Correction Notice Sparks Cannabis Hunger Games
New York approved over 150 dispensaries too close to schools. Now they’re making licensees fight for survival in a real-world cannabis Hunger Games. This Field Dispatch goes inside the madness — Tributes, districts, and all.
4 min read
MONTANA BARS START SELLING WEED AFTER MISUNDERSTANDING GOVERNMENT MERGER
Montana merged its weed and booze regulators. Now bar owners think they can sell joints, dispensaries are advertising bourbon, and no one knows who's actually in charge. This isn’t reform — it’s a licensing disaster dressed up as efficiency.
3 min read
THREE SHOPS, ONE DEALER, AND THE GREAT HEMP SHOP DELUSION
We visited three Connecticut weed shops—one legal, one sketchy, one pretending to sell hemp—and met the same dealer at every single one. Welcome to the John Paul multiverse.
4 min read
DeSantis Revokes MMJ Cards—Claims It’s About Safety, Not the Voices
Ron DeSantis just gutted Florida’s MMJ program—revoking cards from past drug offenders and calling it “safety.” We call it fascism, Florida-style.
3 min read
MISSOURI LAUNCHES “SURPRISE” CANNABIS INSPECTIONS TO COMBAT TRANSPARENCY, COMMON SENSE
JEFFERSON CITY, MO — In a groundbreaking move to confuse, entrap, and mildly inconvenience cannabis operators statewide, Missouri...
3 min read
European Vacation: U.S. Cannabis MSOs Head to Europe After Failing Spectacularly at Home
The next chapter in American cannabis growth isn’t federal reform, profitability, or a better product. It ’s Europe. Because when all...
3 min read
Insuring A Cannabis Company in 2025 Now Costs More Than Starting One
Underwritten by panic, tailored by fear, and sold by brokers who treat you like Mafia collateral. Cannabis operators across the U.S. are...
3 min read
TEXAS DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC MORALITY AND MEDIOCRE POLICY
Texas Governor Greg Abbott Receives Prestigious “Accidental Cannabis Hero” Award After Vetoing THC Ban He Clearly Didn’t Understand In a...
3 min read
“Support Your Local Cartel”: New Jersey Proposes Prison Time for Not Buying State-Approved Weed
In a bold new strategy to fight affordability, New Jersey lawmakers want to criminalize anyone who dares to skip the dispensary and buy...
4 min read
Germany's First Commissary Dispensary Is Open For Bidness
Live from Cell Block D, where the blunt rotation has outlasted two hunger strikes and a stabbing By the time you read this, I will still...
3 min read
Free Flights for Felons: Heathrow Launches “Smuggle & Return” Program for Bud-Toting Tourists
UK Border Force Introduces Frequent Flier Program for Dumbasses With Dank in Their Duffle LONDON, ENGLAND — I’m reporting live from...
3 min read
THE PESCADERO PAYCHECK MASSACRE
They Promised Me Overtime, I Got Rat Shit and a Tent. PESCADERO, CA — I arrived on foot, hungover and underprepared, to what local...
3 min read
A BRUTAL, HONEST MAP OF WEED LAWS IN AMERICA
Where your blunt is a right, and a reason for a strip search Welcome to the United States of Amnesia, where cannabis laws change faster...
3 min read
“God, Guns, and Delta-8” — Tennessee Lawmakers Still Think Weed Is a Gateway to Hell
Inside the God-fearing, vape-slinging backwoods logic keeping weed illegal in 2025 NASHVILLE, TN — I am broadcasting live from the...
3 min read
Minnesota Taxes Weed Like It Owes Child Support—And You're Paying The Arrears
With a 30% combined cannabis tax rate, the Land of 10,000 Lakes just became the Land of 10,000 Regrettable Receipts Minnesota has...
3 min read
Texas Bans Weed to Protect the Cartel’s UFC Sponsorships (Probably)
Joe Rogan said modern weed is weird, and now your dispensary’s a tactical smoothie bar AUSTIN, TX — In what economists are calling “a...
3 min read
Texas Accidentally Legalized Weed, Immediately Pretended It Didn’t
Texas Is Selling Legal THC. They Just Haven’t Told The Cops Yet. AUSTIN, TX — In a rare bipartisan act of fiscal enlightenment and...
2 min read
DEA Projects Record Cartel Revenue as U.S. Continues Bold New Strategy of Doing Absolutely Fuck-All
When Both Sides of the War on Drugs Are Funded by the Same Guy in Sunglasses WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunningly incoherent economic...
2 min read
NEVADA ANNOUNCES ‘TRAP CASINO SOCIAL EQUITY PROGRAM’ TO PROMOTE FAIRNESS AMONG HISTORICALLY ILLEGAL GAMBLERS
If you’ve ever run craps out of a basement while high, congratulations—you’re now eligible for a Vegas weed casino license. LAS VEGAS, NV...
3 min read
Missouri Celabrates "INCLUSION BY REVOCATION" Milestone, Pulls 25 More Microbusiness Licenses From the Poor
Missouri Accidentally Conducts Controlled Study on How to Kill a Cannabis Market Before It Starts Jefferson City, MO – In a bold...
2 min read
THE COMMONWEALTH’S GREAT GREEN GRIFT: Kentucky’s Weed License Lottery Was Always a Racket
Where ‘Transparency’ Means ‘We Livestreamed the Grift’ FRANKFORT, KY — If you recently lost out on a Kentucky medical cannabis license,...
3 min read
Dispensary Executive Works Full Shift at CBD Kratom Before Realizing He’s at the Wrong Business
Wearing his branded fleece and a thousand-yard stare, the exec rang up Delta-8 and mushroom gummies for seven hours before realizing the...
2 min read
Michigan Accidentally Grants Transport License to Golden Retriever Wearing a Hoodie and Stolen Lanyard
Officials blamed the error on a “clerical oversight,” though witnesses say the dog made three successful deliveries, applied for a loan,...
2 min read
Florida Quietly Grants Distribution License to LLC Owned by Governor’s Golf Buddy
While hundreds wait in regulatory limbo, one well-timed backswing and a whisper on the 9th tee was all it took to move paperwork no one...
2 min read
New Regulation Requires All Cannabis Packaging to Be Approved by Children
To ensure maximum safety and zero adult appeal, state officials now require all weed packaging to pass a panel of fourth graders armed...
2 min read
Missouri Approves License Transfer from One White Guy to Another in Record Time
Licenses remain legally transferred. Morals remain legally missing. In a bold move that absolutely no one asked for but somehow everyone...
2 min read
Minnesota’s Cannabis Licensing Plan: A Beautiful Bureaucratic Disaster Masquerading as Progress
After months of community input, task forces, and well-catered meetings, Minnesota unveils a licensing process so convoluted it requires...
3 min read
From Toddlers to Terpenes: Michael Halow and the Missouri Microbusiness Meat Wagon
By Boof du Jour Investigations Desk “Empowering communities, one back-alley handshake at a time.” ST. LOUIS, MO — In the twisted,...
4 min read
The Maineframe Scandal: How Wellness Connection Turned a Regulatory Office Into Their Side Hustle
By Boof du Jour Investigative Bureau April 2025 In the great pantheon of cannabis corruption, where stolen licenses, fake equity...
4 min read
Vladimir Putin Named Chairman of the Board at Curaleaf in Shock Industry Takeover
By the Boof du Jour Investigative Team WAKEFIELD, MA — In a move so batshit insane it somehow still makes more sense than Curaleaf’s...
5 min read
Dark Horse or Trojan Horse – Dark Horse Gaming the Kentucky License System with 100+ Apps
By the Boof du Jour Investigative Team FRANKFORT, KY — In what critics are calling “a masterclass in regulatory loophole abuse disguised...
4 min read
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