BOULDER, CO — Cannabis beverage company Keef has announced what executives are calling its “most intimate celebration of womanhood yet,” temporarily rebranding itself as Queef for Breast Cancer Awareness Month and promising consumers that every limited-edition can will contain something no male-owned beverage company has previously been brave enough to offer:

American Patriot Brands began as The Grilled Cheese Truck, raised more than $30 million for a supposed cannabis empire, and ended with a federal judgment totaling nearly $43.9 million.

Missouri cannabis company Headchange has reportedly pushed solventless innovation into previously unexplored territory with the launch of Chocolate Starfish, a line of hash-infused chocolates shaped like tiny buttholes.

Following the state's sweeping crackdown on hemp-derived THC products, industry analysts say millions of Texans who purchased legal Delta-8, Delta-9 hemp, THCA, and other hemp-derived cannabinoids from licensed retailers now face an exciting new customer journey known simply as: "Text your cousin."

The drug-testing industry told a federal court that cannabis reform could cut medical review revenue by at least 35 percent, accidentally documenting how much prohibition is worth to the people paid to enforce it.

Oklahoma built a $4.9 million reference laboratory to confront lab shopping, potency inflation and contaminated products. The instruments are operational. Much of the independent accountability system is still completing accreditation.

A new federal hemp definition will judge viable cannabis seeds by the THC concentration of their parent plants, turning genetics, ancestry and the possibility of germination into evidence of a future drug crime.

MADISON, WI — Oscar Mayer filed a trademark lawsuit this week against cannabis vape brand Select after allegedly discovering consumers had begun referring to Select's distillate as "hot dog water," leading the company to believe Select was attempting to capitalize on one of Oscar Mayer's most recognizable products.

An Ohio cannabis candy fraud case inspires the industry’s most honest edible yet: Investor Gummies, infused with projections, delusion, and the sudden urge to wire money before asking questions.

GRAND RAPIDS, MI — As inflation continues to drive up the cost of food across America, one Michigan man says he has found a simple solution: stop buying food and start buying edibles. According to 34-year-old Tyler Jensen, the decision came after a routine trip to both the grocery store and his local dispensary left him asking a question that economists, regulators, and cannabis executives have been desperately trying to avoid:

Critics say the DEA's marijuana rescheduling hearing was built to answer the question before the discussion even began. Boof examines a participant list, a process under fire, and the only mascot qualified to moderate it.

Kentucky's Jason Nemes wants physicians and businesses prosecuted for following expanded qualifying conditions. The only problem? Every medical cannabis state in America has been following the exact same script for years.

For the better part of a decade, the cannabis industry has been building what it believed was the future. Thousands of dispensaries. Billions of dollars in licenses, real estate, cultivation facilities, marketing campaigns, loyalty programs, mobile apps, rewards clubs, customer journeys, educational content, menu integrations, online ordering systems, curbside pickup programs, and enough SMS messages to qualify as psychological warfare. The pitch was simple: If co

After ignoring operators, economists, neighboring states, and basic arithmetic, Michigan officials are now investigating why their wholesale cannabis tax generated exactly the outcome everyone predicted.

DENVER, CO — According to industry insiders, cannabis operators across America are entering a new phase of strategic planning. It's called: "Getting Acquired Before We Run Out of Money." For years, cannabis executives gathered at conferences and investor meetings to discuss ambitious growth plans, market dominance, national expansion, and becoming the future of consumer packaged goods. Today, many of those same executives are spending their time cleaning up inventory records,

Japan has banned CBN, a cannabinoid associated with relaxation and sleep, after regulators reportedly identified calmness as an emerging threat to productivity.

Massachusetts regulators are auditing cannabis THC potency testing after years of increasingly impossible lab results turned dispensary menus into radioactive fantasy novels masquerading as science.

There’s a special kind of poetry in cannabis branding. The kind where everyone is “family,” everything is “hand crafted,” and the flower is supposedly kissed into existence by moonlight, good intentions, and a mission statement nobody can afford to question.

In today’s episode of You Can’t Make This Shit Up, a cannabis CEO proudly declared, “I don’t use cannabis very often, but I think our vapes are the absolute best,” instantly earning the admiration of investors, LinkedIn thought leaders, and absolutely no one who’s ever actually inhaled anything besides flavored air.

n today’s episode of Corporate Delusion Olympics, a bargain-bin startup proudly strutted onto LinkedIn to announce a “DREAM JOB ALERT” for a marketing role… while offering a salary that screams, “We don’t respect your profession and we think exposure is a valid currency.”

There’s a Slack channel called #springfield-seo-war-room that currently contains seven agencies, three freelancers, two AI writing tools, and a handful of “strategists” who speak exclusively in phrases like “content velocity” and “authority signals” but couldn’t point to a single page they’ve actually improved if you put a gun to their Patagonia vest.

In an inspiring commitment to educational mediocrity, the University of New England announced the launch of its new cannabis industry program, a bold academic initiative staffed almost entirely by people whose résumés read like a Craigslist section titled Jobs I Almost Had.

“Banquet Salisbury Steak: Chef’s Signature RSO Drizzle” Because not every infused meal needs to involve saffron, microgreens, and a chef who calls himself an “alchemist.”

The Invitations No One Wanted to Receive No one admits how nervous they were when the invites went out. They’ll joke about it now. Post about it. Laugh it off in Slack threads and group chats. But when those envelopes first landed, no return address, no branding, just a matte black card that read “You’ve been nominated. Attendance strongly recommended.”, people checked the categories twice. Some checked with legal. Others checked their last three product launches.

In a scene more predictable than a THC-infused seltzer brand posting a mocktail recipe nobody asked for, a cannabis CEO reportedly entered the marketing department today and unleashed the annual trauma trigger: “Sooo… what are we doing for 4/20?” Eyewitnesses say the room immediately filled with the sound of collective soul evaporation, described by OSHA as “similar to a Roomba choking on a gummy worm.”

There are a lot of ways to mess up cannabis. You can overprice it. You can under-trim it. You can package it like it’s trying to win a minimalist design award in 2016. But allegedly shipping THC that doesn’t match the label, plus mold, plus E. coli? That’s not a mistake. That’s a full-blown operational philosophy.

This year, we remained deeply committed to social equity, community engagement, and looking like we care just enough to avoid getting yelled at on LinkedIn. We understand the importance of repairing the harms caused by prohibition. We also understand the importance of maintaining strong margins. Balancing both has been… inspirational.

Somewhere off the coast of Ghana, a fisherman is staring at the ocean like it just punk’d him. Because instead of fish, or shells, or anything remotely natural, the tide is coughing up thousands of U.S. cannabis-branded t-shirts, promo lanyards, and freebie tote bags, a floating landfill of failed marketing campaigns that even Goodwill rejected.

The universe has finally granted us a lawsuit so stupid, so chaotically on-brand for this industry, it feels like performance art. A class action has officially been filed against Dosist after hospitals across the country reported a surge of women showing up with what doctors have gently described as “vape-related internal confusion.” Translation: Women are shoving Dosist disposables into their vaginas like they’re launching a NASA mission to microdose their uteruses.

In what executives are calling “perfectly normal timing” and everyone else is calling “come on, man,” Connected has officially announced the launch of its new infused chocolate bar… a suspiciously familiar wafer-based product that looks, tastes, and snaps exactly like a Kit Kat. The announcement comes less than a week after reports surfaced that over 400,000 Kit Kat bars vanished during a transit heist that authorities have described as “weirdly specific” and “honestly kind o

After years of anonymous posts dragging the cannabis industry through broken glass and expired eighths, Boof du Jour has officially revealed its founders. Not because they got caught. Not because of a leak. Because, according to sources close to the situation, “their egos physically could not take it anymore.”

Urban-gro just pulled off one of the most impressive magic tricks in modern cannabis: They made their problems disappear by making the entire business disappear.

The U.S. military officially opened its doors to 40-somethings with past cannabis convictions this week, immediately creating the most relaxed, injury-prone fighting force in modern history.

There is now a vape pen that can hear you. It can process your voice. It can respond in a calm, reassuring tone like it just graduated from therapy school. It still won’t hit. “Hey Pen, set temp to 2.4 volts.” “Got it. Optimizing your experience.” You press the button. Nothing. You inhale again like maybe it just needed encouragement. Still nothing. Now you’re standing there having a full conversation with a piece of hardware that has the confidence of a Tesla and the perform

SAN FRANCISCO - Following the runaway success of his new book Legends, cannabis entrepreneur and Cookies founder Berner announced this week that he will be launching a national motivational speaking tour aimed at helping drug dealers transition into “creative entrepreneurs.”

MISSOURI — National vape brand Stiiizy has reportedly exited the Missouri cannabis market faster than a guy doing Olympic level math after hearing the phrase “I’m not on birth control.” The California powerhouse entered the state with the usual national brand playbook. Big reputation. Big marketing confidence. Big assumption that if a brand dominates shelves in Los Angeles, it will naturally dominate shelves everywhere else.

After months of surveillance, leaked footage, and one extremely unstable budtender who claims he “saw the portal,” we can now confirm that Chelsea Mulligan is not entirely human. She is a retail-compliance cyborg sent from the year 2042 to prevent the extinction of real dispensaries. We repeat. She is not here by accident.

SEATTLE - After years of politely presenting velocity charts that no one read, margin reports that no one understood, and reorder recommendations that were described internally as “interesting but we’re going to go with our gut,” Headset’s newly integrated A.I. has reportedly taken decisive action.

Somewhere, a regulator is high-fiving himself in a windowless office because he “protected consumers” from the terrifying danger of a 25mg gummy. Meanwhile, Chad from accounting is on his ninth 10mg cube and chewing like a livestock animal. Welcome to the 10mg edible cap. The policy equivalent of putting a shot glass limit on tequila and acting shocked when everyone orders twelve.

LAS VEGAS - Tourists expecting neon excess at Planet 13 Las Vegas this weekend instead found something even more surreal: Dan Bilzerian behind the counter asking if they prefer sativa or “something chill.” Yes. That Dan.

In a plot twist so clean it feels focus-grouped by the universe itself, a Florida state official acknowledged that opioid settlement funds were used to bankroll an anti-marijuana campaign. Yes.The money extracted from pharmaceutical companies for helping torch communities with addictive painkillers somehow found its way into a “weed is the real threat” messaging push. You could not engineer irony this tight if you tried.

Somewhere in America right now, a VP of Marketing is refreshing Canva, a founder is practicing their “humbled but visionary” acceptance speech in the mirror, and a CFO is quietly Googling “how to expense tuxedo rentals during insolvency.”

In a stunning development that absolutely no one outside a cannabis executive Slack channel saw coming, several multi-state operators are now being sued by the Ohio Attorney General for allegedly doing the one thing capitalism is extremely clear about: Agreeing on prices. Together. On purpose.

Legal cannabis dispensaries across the country are once again pointing fingers at nearby smoke shops and hemp retailers selling THCA flower, insisting the unregulated market is the primary reason their stores are underperforming, customers are leaving, and vibes are “challenging right now.”

DENVER, CO - A leading cannabis recruiting firm quietly admitted this week that it has not been staffing the industry with a diverse network of professionals, as previously claimed, but has instead been circulating one man named Bob across nearly every major cannabis company since 2019.